Damned If I Do
by Zeppelin Skies
Summary: Lisa's thoughts as she fights for her life, and for her son, and maybe for Dean.


**AN: Because I always thought season six should've ended differently. **

**Summary: Lisa's thoughts as she fights for her life, and for her son, and maybe for Dean.**

* * *

_Damned If I Do_

"_I ain't got a heart of stone  
You haven't left me a mind of my own  
But it's got such a hold on me  
I don't think I could ever be free_

_How can I survive  
I'm fighting to keep myself alive  
I'm damned if I do  
Damned if I don't but I love you_

_Can't seem to see the light  
I've done everything but I can't get it right  
Damned if I do  
Damned if I don't but I love you."_

_Alan Parsons Project_

Lisa fought every damn inch she was dragged out of the splintered front door of her home. She dug her heels into the cracks of the driveway and screamed until her throat ached, even with the large and sweaty hand clamped over her mouth. It was broad daylight on a Sunday, yet none of the neighbors even came out of their houses to see Lisa and Ben Braeden being shoved into the backseat of a black sedan.

She held Ben to her like a lifeline and forced herself to breathe slowly, in through her nose and silently out through her mouth. Craning her head to glance through the back window, her wide brown eyes saw their house retreating, growing smaller and smaller until she had to swallow a lump of hysteria. The image of her boyfriend of three weeks lying still on her living room floor was replaying over and over behind her eyes, his neck twisted into an impossible angle and blood dripping from his mouth.

Matt. They'd killed Matt. And they'd taken her and her son. They were probably going to kill her and Ben too.

"Mom," Ben whispered.

Lisa had never asked for this. All she'd ever wanted after Ben was born was a quiet life, a quiet and happy life that didn't include monsters and black sedans with leather seats that smelled like sulfur.

"_Mom_," Ben said more insistently. Lisa's attention snapped to her son, whose eyes were surprisingly calm, if still scared.

"It's gunna be okay," he promised. "I called Dean."

She couldn't help the rush of anger as well as relief that simultaneously coursed through her. Finally, after two months of fighting with herself and with Ben, after agonizing over that phone call for entire nights, wide awake and crying, Lisa finally felt justified in her decision. _This _was the reason they had never worked, and _this _was the reason she would take Ben and move them as far as she could get from anyone named Winchester when this was over.

_If it's ever over_, was what a voice in her mind whispered. She felt the hysteria coming back up like acid reflux and tears beginning to sting her eyes, so she smothered it by pulling Ben into her arms again and kissing the top of his head. No. She would not be weak. This would end, and it would be over her dead body if they didn't get their freedom back.

And she didn't care if her thoughts weren't making sense anymore, either.

* * *

They drove for two hours. Lisa observed the man in the driver's seat and the man in the passenger seat, staring idly out the window. The driver was large and bald, while his partner was slightly taller with short dark hair, wearing a Pink Floyd shirt. She knew they were monsters. She just inherently knew, just like she knew Dean had something to do with it. Because nothing this awful had ever happened to her without having to do with monsters. What _kind _of monsters, she had no idea.

They were strong enough to break down the door and looked like normal men, and that's about all she knew for certain. There was a darkness in their eyes that made her inwardly shiver, a _wrongness_ to them. What she kept coming back to was the smell filling the entire car—musty and bitter.

_Dean handed her a small vile of yellow powder. Lisa held it up to her face so she could view the grainy, yellow bits of powder inside. Though that proved to be a mistake as even with the lid closed, she caught a whiff of its contents and coughed, immediately holding it away. She'd taken chemistry. She knew what sulfur was, just had never seen it before._

"_Terrible, right?" he asked, smiling slightly._

"_Ugh, here." She plugged her nose and handed the vile back to him. His expression turned serious, like it did when he was showing her how to use a gun._

"_If you ever smell that, you need to call me right away, all right?" His green eyes bore into hers with a gravity she'd seen only few times before. "And you don't stick around either. You run."_

"_What does sulfur mean?" she asked. _

_Demons_, she realized. They were demons.

Lisa didn't realize she was holding her breath until her head began to hurt with the strain. What did she know about demons? Dean had taught her precious little, but she knew one of their weaknesses was salt. She didn't exactly have the contents of her pantry just lying around in her pockets, and she couldn't very well ask Ben if he had any—not with their captors so close. She would have to wait until they finally got wherever they were going. Speaking of which,

"Where are you taking us?" she demanded, fully aware that she should probably not be demanding anything. The driver's gaze flicked up at the reflection of her face in the rearview mirror. Lisa inhaled sharply and sat completely still, her grip on Ben's shoulder tightening as she met the man's completely black eyes, not a speck of white or iris in them. She heard Ben's small gasp.

"Just relax," the driver (_demon_) drawled. "We're almost there."

* * *

Lisa didn't know how the hell Dean was going to find them here. They were somewhere near Rochester, Minnesota (she'd paid close attention to the highway signs), pulling up into some abandoned factory on the side of the road. The sun was beginning to set and while being pulled out of the sedan, she had the thought that this might be the last glimpse of sunlight she would get for a while.

"Come on, sweets," Pink Floyd grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. "We've got a schedule to keep."

"What do you want with us?" she said tersely, and dug the heels of her scuffed shoes into the ground by force of habit.

"Right now? To stop being a pain in the ass," he snapped. His fingers pressed painfully into her shoulder and waist as he dragged her along, pushing her up a flight of rickety metal stairs. She kept looking back to check on Ben, who was making his way up behind her with the bald demon's meaty hand on his shoulder.

The stairs led into the old, dilapidated building and down to the cement floor once inside. She was pushed the last couple steps and nearly tripped over her feet.

"Mom!" Ben began to rush toward her to help her from falling, but Baldy grabbed him by the back of his hoodie.

"_Don't touch him!_" Lisa yelled, but was prevented from reaching her son by Floyd grabbing hold of her arm.

"My, my. Such _drama_," a gravelling voice drawled. Lisa's gaze swung to the top of the stairs, where a man in a trim black suit stood, seemingly both amused and exasperated.

"Who are _you?_" she spat. His lips twitched into a smile.

"Well, darling, I am the reason you're still breathing. But you may call me Crowley," he said while making his descent on the stairs. "Do make the boy comfortable in the waiting room, George. I'd like a chat with our female guest before I go."

She watched Baldy—or George—begin to lead Ben farther into the room while Floyd pushed her toward the door leading into a different room, which would leave Ben alone with a demon.

"No," Lisa said quickly, "No, _please_—"

"It'll just be for a minute, I promise," said Crowley. "You won't even remember being apart."

Ben repeatedly looked over his shoulder at her, terrified. She wanted to cry.

"_Ben!_"

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving her with what she was sure was two demons. She was released long enough for her to try and open the locked door, jiggling its handle fruitlessly.

_Dean, where the hell are you?_

"If he hurts him, I swear to God I'll—"

"Luke, if you would."

The moment she turned around was the moment the world spun and tilted on its axis, leaving her falling into shadows of consciousness.

_Ben…_

* * *

Lisa woke slowly, like crawling out of a vat of peanut butter. She didn't know why peanut butter was what she thought of. Maybe because she hadn't eaten in hours. But the room was darkened by night falling outside. She could only tell because there were windows near the ceiling that were letting moonlight filter in, and this room was brighter earlier.

_Ben. Where's Ben._

_**He's here.**_

Lisa was startled by the second thought that was definitely _not_ her own, but she didn't jump from where she sat on the floor with her hands tied behind her back. She felt something like a wall against her back, but couldn't move her hands to feel it or turn her head to see it.

The hysteria was coming back up, but she couldn't even control her steady breathing.

_**Oh, relax. You're fine…relatively speaking.**_

_Who…who are you? What's happening?_

_**It's me, sweets. Let's just say the Boss needed a little…insurance, if your boyfriend shows up.**_

If she could have, Lisa would've started hyperventilating. She couldn't control her body and she couldn't even see if Ben was okay, and suddenly she wished she'd let Dean talk her into getting that goddamn tattoo.

_**I like it in here. It's so…roomy.**_

She wanted to throw up.

_**Nuh uh, none of that. Look.**_

"Ben," Luke whispered, using her voice.

"Yeah?" the boy answered.

"You okay?"

"…Yeah. I'm okay."

"Good." Lisa's eyes turned to Ben sitting next to her and smiled weakly. "It's gunna be okay, honey."

"Yeah," Ben said, nodding.

Inside, Lisa was horrified.

_You're __**sick!**__ Let me go!_

_**No can do, sweets. Sounds like Winchester found you faster than the Boss hoped. **_

There were sounds of struggle coming from outside, and it wasn't long before the other two demons that went to investigate were killed by one Dean Winchester. Were Lisa in control of her body, her breath would've hitched at the sight of him, furious and worried and relieved at seeing her.

"Dean, thank God," Lisa's voice greeted him when Dean hastened to cut through the ropes tying her wrists together with a knife Lisa recognized. She was screaming at him to stop, to take Ben and get this thing out of her before she hurt either of them.

_**I don't think he can hear you.**_

"Let's get you outta here," Dean said and quickly moved onto cutting Ben's ropes. "Okay, okay let's go."

He helped the boy up and started leading him out the way they came in, but Lisa's hand shot out and grabbed both Ben and Dean's knife faster than the hunter could react.

"The brat's not going anywhere," said Luke, who hooked an arm around Ben's neck and held the knife there threateningly. "And neither am I."

Lisa couldn't know her eyes were flashing black, but she had a feeling they were with the way Dean slightly flinched at looking up at her face.

"Crowley thought you might come. So he had me jump this hot little piece of ass just in case," the demon said. "Can't go losing our leverage, can we?"

That made Dean angry enough to start forwards, even though he was now unarmed. The demon made a sound of protest.

"One more step: free appendectomy," Luke said, and poised the knife. Dean immediately stopped.

"You she's awake in here, your mom," the demon whispered softly to Ben, who looked up at his mom's face with fearful eyes. "I can hear her thinking."

"Don't listen to her, Ben," Dean said, and it was making Lisa's heart break to watch his emotions roiling, despite how much she knew he was trying to be strong for her son. It was then that she understood why they had moved. Why Dean had always double checked the locks on all the doors in the house and spray painted sigils under the rugs that she'd allowed to fade. Why he had agonized over his decision to stay or to go, and made sure she knew how to shoot a gun and what sulfur smelled like before he left.

This was his worst nightmare.

"What? I was just gunna tell him that you're his real Daddy," the demon said, grinning. Dean's face went slack, and even Lisa became quiet in the recesses of her mind. "At least she thinks so. Her brain was kinda foggy around that time. So who knows who your real dad is, kid. You're mom's a _slut._"

"_You shut your mouth,_" Dean grated out.

"Oh, what? You're her White Knight now?" The sound of Lisa's laugh made her feel sick. "She wishes she never _met_ you,_ Dean_. You were the _worst mistake she ever made_."

_Stop it_, Lisa sobbed. _Please, stop. _

The demon glanced down at Ben's wide and almost tearful eyes.

"Second worst…besides keeping you."

"It's not your mom, Ben," Dean reminded. "She's lying."

"Says the C- lay with ten miles of daddy issues," the demon mocked. "Whatever gets you through the night, Tiny Tim."

Dean grew angry enough to advance, to try anything to get Ben out of her hands.

"Ah-ah—_back off_, cowboy," Luke said, Lisa's hand tightening on the knife. He then leaned down to Ben's ear. "She's _begging _me to kill you. She says you hold her back. Never had a _lick_ of fun since you were born."

_STOP! _Lisa screamed, but was effectively ignored. None of it was true, and she had no way of fighting back. She could only be grateful to Dean, who always, _always _protected her son.

"Ben," Dean interrupted, fiddling with something in his pocket. "Look at me, _look_ at me. You're gunna be just fine."

Ben nodded shakily, then ducked when Dean threw holy water at Lisa's face, burning the demon within. Finally Ben was out of relative danger and grabbed the knife when the demon kicked it out of Dean's reach. He wouldn't throw a single punch, despite being egged on by Luke.

"What's the matter, Dean? _Hit me_," the demon shouted. "Oh…you don't wanna hurt poor Lisa."

"Exorcizamus te," Dean began. "Omnis immundus spirtius—"

"Shut your mouth," Luke cut him off, and swung Lisa's fist across his face. Dean crashed into a nearby table of rusty tools and braced himself on its edge.

"Omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii—"

Lisa was starting to feel lightheaded; she could feel the demon's pain and anger, until that anger surged forward and her hands were wrapping themselves around Dean's throat. Dully in the background were Crowley's warnings (threats) not to harm either of the Winchesters.

"Stop it," Luke warned.

It didn't occur to Lisa that she could hear the demon's thoughts too, but in her growing alarm and her screaming for the demon to stop, she remembered Sam. He and Dean had probably come here together, so where was he?

"I'm warning you…" The demon squeezed harder on Dean's throat, trying to cut off the words from his windpipe. Dean clutched at Lisa's hand and stared back murderously.

"You can go to hell, you black-eyed bitch."

Lisa couldn't warn Dean as her hand grabbed for a metal tool for scraping plaster off of the table, and she felt the pain of stabbing herself, while unable to cry out.

The demon laughed.

Ben shouted for her, and Dean flinched, looking as if he would've cried out for her too. He reluctantly finished the exorcism and caught Lisa before she hit the ground, but suddenly she could see the world around her so much more clearly. The taste of blood was in her mouth as she stared up at Dean and found herself wanting to touch his cheek. His eyes looked so pained, she just wanted to let him know it would be okay. It wasn't that bad.

"Here, put pressure here." He stuffed a balled piece of cloth into her hand and pressed it into the hole in her stomach, and she couldn't help but whimper as stars burst into her line of vision. That hurt like hell.

"I know, honey, I know," he murmured, and dialed a number on his cell phone. "_Sam, _where are you, damn it!"

_Where's Sam? _she thought, but soon she didn't have time to think as new pain bloomed in her stomach at being lifted into Dean's arms. Distantly she heard him instructing Ben how to shoot the salt gun he'd picked up from the floor, and once upon a time she might've been angry about that, but now she was wondering why Dean hadn't taken him to the shooting range earlier. Ben would've loved that.

Lisa sometimes tried to speak while Dean was hefting her around everywhere, though she didn't know what they were looking for. Maybe they were looking for Sam.

"S-Sorry f'r mak'ng you carry me," she whispered. Dean didn't hear her right away, but briefly he bowed his head to her and said, "Don't worry about it. I'm gunna get you out of here, okay?"

"…Kay."

She might've blacked out for a few minutes, because when her eyes next opened, she was pressed into Dean's side in the Impala. She knew it was the Impala because the leather smelled like him.

"—ey, stay awake for me, sweetheart. Open your eyes," he whispered gently. "Don't fall asleep."

"S'rry."

"Don't be, it's gunna be okay."

"…Wasn't me, Dean."

"What?" Dean asked, but seemed to think better of it. "It's all right, don't talk. I've got you."

"No," Lisa insisted. She had to get this out before she passed out again, and she could feel herself fading. If these were the last words she ever said to him, she'd be damn sure they were good ones.

"You…never a m'stake," she managed. "N'ver…will be."

The last thing she felt was his shuddering breath against her cheek, and his cool lips on her forehead.

* * *

Lisa felt warm. Her whole body, sluggish and slow and warm. She felt herself being pulled into consciousness, only dimly aware of clicking sounds, beeping, and hushed voices only beginning to make sense.

"'rase me from her mem…ies. Like I…never there."

_Dean?_

"She and Ben…never met me."

"Are you sure?"

_What…_

"Do it."

The bricks on her eyelids lifted just enough for her to open her eyes, so she did, in time to see a pair of blue eyes widen and a hand that had been reaching for her head retreat.

And then she realized there was a tube in her mouth and it was becoming hard to breathe. Shortly after, the room was flooded with nurses trying to prevent her from choking. Once the room stopped swirling around, Dean was at her side, and Ben wasn't.

Dean tried to smile, she smiled back. A small one, but a real one.

"Ben?" she croaked, and winced at the sound of her own voice.

"He's gettin' you some water."

Then his eyes wandered away from hers, and his smile faded.

"Dean," she prompted, earning his attention back. "What happened when I woke up?"

For a moment he looked tempted to lie, but she made sure he could see in her eyes that she would only accept the truth. Maybe he couldn't get it out. The blue-eyed man was gone, though.

"Never," she said, "would I regret knowing you."

His eyes widened, but she still noted his skepticism.

"Come on, Lisa—"

"I regret that things fell apart the way they did," said Lisa. "And yeah. For a while, I was mad as hell."

Dean looked down at the wires connecting her body to the machines on her left, the IV in her arm.

"You're a hunter, and I wanted to believe you could be happy with a normal life," she continued. "But when I knew you wouldn't be, I didn't want to be a part of something I…didn't understand."

With the little strength she felt coming back to her limbs, she reached up the slightest bit to grasp Dean's cold hand. He sighed and allowed himself to be tugged down to the edge of her hospital bed.

"I understand better now," said Lisa. "And it sounds really lonely."

Dean stared down at their entwined fingers for a moment before lifting his green gaze to her face.

"This is why…it's better if I go."

Lisa deflated slightly.

"Why?"

"You _know_ why, Lis," he said, and rubbed his face with his free hand. "You and Ben…just by _knowing_ me, you're in danger."

"So it shouldn't matter how far you go," she said quietly. Dean visibly paused.

"Dean, I've tried to forget you, and I can't." Lisa shook her head slowly. "I can't. Truth is…I don't want to."

Dean looked away from her, seemingly anywhere but her, and it hurt. She realized how much it must've hurt him for her to turn her back on him. At the time, she'd felt more than a little justified with being kept in the dark with lame-ass excuses. Ben being pushed was just what sent her over the edge. Really though, she hadn't wanted to know the extent of what he was doing, what she was sure was life-threatening and horrifying. The stuff of her nightmares.

But Dean had always asked for so little. Lisa had come to know that he was a family man at heart; all he'd wanted was to keep both of the ones he had.

"You don't deserve that…neither does Ben," she said. "And neither do I."

It was a while before he answered. She could almost see his mind working, sifting between pros and cons and weighing just how much of a bad idea it was. Briefly she wondered what Sam would think. His opinion would definitely sway Dean, as much as she disliked the thought. But if he was anything like his brother, then maybe there was a chance.

Even now, she could see Sam talking in the hallway with her son. Both were smiling, and she had a feeling Sam was trying to buy them time to talk.

"We've tried this before, Lis," Dean eventually sighed. He looked ready to let go of her hand, but she wasn't ready. She hadn't been ready when she first let him go either, but she'd realized it too late. Lisa could've died tonight without ever having apologized.

She felt tears burn behind her eyes.

"Ben loves you." Her voice shook, but the way he unconsciously tightened his grip on her hand made her smile.

"And misses you," she said, and wiped her eyes with her free hand. She laughed, "So much. I can't fault him for it, 'cause I do too. I just can't ever admit to anything."

He had to know that she loved him. They'd never said the words, but they had never really needed them. Though she still felt terrible about Matt, and knew she needed to call his family once they were leaving the hospital, she knew they had never even come close; a mild attraction at best. He had been a good man that didn't deserve to die, and she would miss his friendship.

"I miss him too," Dean admitted, though there was something in his eyes she couldn't name. "He's a good kid."

_Your kid_, she couldn't help but think, and she bit her lip. She knew he'd heard the demon loud and clear. Lisa almost thought he would ask.

He didn't.

"So what do we do?" she asked after a moment.

Dean hesitated.

Then he sighed heavily, and let go of her hand.

Just so he could press the palm of his warmed hand to her cheek.

She smiled. He smiled back, and kissed her softly. It had been a long time, but her lips still remembered what he tasted like, and it made her even warmer.

"Okay," he said, and rested his forehead against hers.

"You sure?" she whispered against his mouth. He smiled against hers.

"I'm damned if we don't."

* * *

**I'm considering a part two of this. Let me know if you think I should. I just think if Dean and Lisa had been more fair with one another, they would've worked out.**


End file.
